This conversation will change how you handle your relationship starting tonight. The late Dr. Sue Johnson basically gave me a cheat code for relationships that not only last but amplify.
She breaks down the real signals to look for in a partner. Why people actually cheat (not what you think) and how to spot it coming a mile away. Plus she offers a simple framework that can turn fights from something that pushes you away to something that brings you closer than ever.
Available Now Soon: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Transcript
We dig into how to keep the spark alive (even after kids), how to survive the empty-nest phase, and three simple things you can do to strengthen your relationship.
Doesn’t matter if you’re single, dating, married, or divorced. You need to hear this.
Key Lessons from Dr. Sue Johnson
Criticism Is a Bid for Connection: When your partner criticizes or becomes passive-aggressive, they’re not trying to hurt you. They’re asking “Where are you?” Sue explains that demanding partners are desperately seeking connection: “If the other person doesn’t respond, they say it louder. ‘I’ll get you to respond to me. Where are you? You’re a bad partner.’ Oh, that’ll get your attention.” Behind every criticism is a wish. Most people respond by shutting down to protect themselves. But shutting down sends danger cues to your partner’s nervous system. The person who seems angry is actually terrified of being alone.
Shutdown Is Not Protection: “I stopped talking because everything I say is wrong,” Sue hears this from countless couples. It makes sense. Except when you cut off emotionally in intimate relationships, you shut your partner out. You can’t protect yourself and connect at the same time. Protection kills connection.
Affairs Aren’t About Sex: “People do not have affairs because of sexuality or sexual frustration,” Sue says after 35 years of practice. “They have affairs because they’re emotionally disconnected and alone.” The secretary brings coffee and smiles. Suddenly she’s attractive after three years of working together. Most affairs are about deprivation, not lust. Fix the emotional connection and the sexual temptation disappears.
The Best Sex Requires Safety, Not Novelty: “The best recipe for a great sex life throughout your life is safe emotional connection.” When you feel safe, you can play, explore, be unpredictable. When you don’t feel safe, you need more and more novelty just to feel something. “You need novelty when you’re numbed out and shut down.” The people having the best sex? Long-term couples who trust each other completely.
Secrets Are Bombs in the Basement: Be open and honest.”You want me to help you rebuild your relationship house, but you have a ticking bomb in the basement.” You’re holding the secret to your chest. That takes energy. Meanwhile, your partner knows something’s wrong. They feel you pulling away. They just don’t know why. Secrets don’t protect. They corrode.
Men Want to Be Desired: Sue has listened to thousands of men. What she hears surprises most people. Men don’t just want sex. They want to be wanted. “The most concrete way of feeling desired is for you to desire me to come close.” Our culture tells men they’re supposed to be sexual machines. The truth is simpler. Like everyone else, they want to matter to someone.
The Warning Sign Isn’t Fighting: People say “We don’t fight” like it means they’re happy. Sue’s response: “Yeah, I know, but do you have a happy relationship?” The real warning sign is when you stop getting upset about disconnection. Fighting means you still care. Indifference means you’ve already left.
Model What Matters: “The very best thing you can do for your kids is create a safe parental alliance,” Sue insists. Parents focus everything on their children, avoiding their own relationship. But kids are going to leave. “What you give your children is a vision of what a good relationship looks like.” That template guides them for life. Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who can repair conflicts and come back together.
Transitions Reveal Cracks: Having kids. Empty nest. Retirement. “The stress reveals the cracks in the relationship,” Sue explains. These transitions don’t create problems. They expose what was already broken. Couples who’ve avoided each other for years suddenly can’t when the kids leave. “If you starve a relationship of attention, ignore it, and leave it on a shelf for years, then try to pick it off the shelf – I’m sorry, but it’s shriveled and died.”
Silence Is the Real Virus: “People get fixated on conflict,” Sue observes. “Distance slips by them.” Therapists teach you to fight fair but the real problem isn’t how you fight. It’s that you’ve become strangers living in the same house. One couple called their pattern “the nothing” – no fighting, no connection, just nothing. That’s when relationships die. Not in battle, but in silence.
There’s a Point of No Return: Therapists hate hearing this, but Sue is clear: “There’s a certain point where no, you can’t breathe life back into it.” When someone has emotionally detached and given up, reattachment becomes nearly impossible. You can still care about the person. You can be friends. But you won’t risk and invest the way love requires. Once you’ve walked into detachment, you can’t walk back.
Love Has a Science: “If we can go to the moon, we have the key to love relationships,” Sue argues. We’re not victims of random emotions. There’s a deep logic to how attachment works. “What you understand, you can shape.” Most people think love is something that happens to you. They “fall” in love, then “fall” out. But secure attachment can be learned, shaped, repaired.
High Agency in Love: You’re not a passenger in your relationship. You can understand the patterns, recognize the dance, and change the steps. Most relationship distress happens because people don’t understand the attachment drama they’re caught in. Not because anyone is fundamentally bad. When you understand love’s mechanics, you can shape it. Just like high-agency people don’t wait for life to happen to them, secure partners don’t wait for the relationship to magically get better. They build it one day at a time.
