• Skip to main content
  • Skip to header right navigation
  • Skip to site footer
Farnam Street Logo

Farnam Street

Mastering the best of what other people have already figured out

  • Newsletter
  • Books
  • Podcast
  • Articles
  • Log In
  • Become a Member
TweetEmailLinkedInPrint
Thinking|Reading Time: 4 minutes

Win Without Fighting: 10 Secrets to Persuasive Communication

Unlock the power of persuasion with these ten golden rules of argument.

Arguments are deceptively difficult. We often believe that presenting facts will logically lead others to our conclusions. But when was the last time someone changed your deeply-held views simply by stating their case? Facts alone rarely persuade.

Avoiding arguments can seem appealing, but unaddressed disagreements tend to fester. The resulting buried resentment can slowly poison relationships. Neither constant conflict nor total avoidance offers a real solution.

The aim of an argument, or of a discussion, should not be victory but progress.

Karl Popper

In his book How to Argue, Jonathan Herring outlines positive ways of understanding and looking at arguments.

They needn’t be about shouting or imposing your will on someone. A good argument shouldn’t involve screaming, squabbling or fistfights, even though too often it does. Shouting matches are rarely beneficial to anyone.

Here are the ten golden rules of argument according to Herring.

Ten Golden Rules of Argument

1. Be Prepared

Make sure you know the essential points you want to make. Research the facts you need to convince your opponent.

Herring advises: “Before starting an argument think carefully about what it is you are arguing about and what it is you want. This may sound obvious. But it’s critically important. What do you really want from this argument? Do you want the other person to just understand your point of view? Or are you seeking a tangible result? If it’s a tangible result, you must ask yourself whether this result you have in mind is realistic and whether it’s obtainable. If it’s not realistic or obtainable, then a verbal battle might damage a valuable relationship.”

2. Learn When to Argue and When to Walk Away

Think carefully before you start to argue: is this the time; is this the place?

I’m sure you’ve had an argument before and later regretted it.

Maybe you snapped at your spouse over dirty dishes after a long, stressful day at work, only to realize your frustration had nothing to do with housework.

Learning when to engage in an argument and when to walk away is a vital skill. Most of the time, you’re better off simply saying “you might be right” and letting it go.

3. It’s not WHAT you say but HOW you say it

Spend time thinking about how to present your argument. Body language, choice of words and manner of speaking all affect how your argument will come across.

My mom told me this on repeat when I was a teenager. Be mindful not only of your words but your tone. People perceive threats unconsciously and respond accordingly.

The best way to change minds is to be likeable — and most of that comes from how you say things.

4. Listen Again

Listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Watch their body language, listen for the meaning behind their words.

As a general rule, Herring writes, “you should spend more time listening than talking. Aim for listening for 75 percent of the conversation and giving your own arguments 25 percent.”

And you’re not listening if you’re thinking about what to say next.

This is often where a lot of arguments, and discussions for that matter, veer off course. If you’re not listening to the other person and addressing their statements, you’ll just keep making your same points over and over. The other person won’t suddenly agree with those and the argument quickly becomes frustrating.

Imagine a couple arguing about household chores. If one partner keeps insisting, “You never help with the dishes,” without hearing the other’s explanation about their long work hours, they’ll just go in circles, growing increasingly frustrated.

5. Excel at responding to arguments

Think carefully about what arguments the other person will listen to. What are their preconceptions? Which kinds of arguments do they find convincing.

There are three main ways to respond to an argument: 1) challenge the facts the other person is using; 2) challenge the conclusions they draw from those facts; and 3) accept the point, but argue the weighting of that point (i.e., other points should be considered above this one.)

6. Watch out for crafty tricks

Arguments are not always as good as they first appear. Be wary of your opponent’s use of statistics. Keep alert for distraction techniques such as personal attacks and red herrings. Look out for concealed questions and false choices.

7. Develop the skills of arguing in public

Keep it simple and clear. Be brief and don’t rush.

8. Be able to argue in writing

Always choose clarity over pomposity. Be short, sharp, and to the point, using language that is easily understood.

In many ways, thinking is writing.

9. Be great at resolving deadlock

Be creative in finding ways out of an argument that’s going nowhere. Is it time to look at the issue from another angle? Are there ways of putting pressure on so that the other person has to agree with you? Is a compromise possible?

10. Maintain relationships

This is absolutely key. What do you want from this argument? Humiliating, embarrassing or aggravating your opponent might make you feel good at the time, but you might have many lonely days to rue your mistake. Find a result that works for both of you. You need to move forward. Then you will be able to argue another day.

Another approach to end arguments is to ask the other person to explain their thinking.

***

How to Argue explores putting the rules into practice in particular situations where arguments arise.

Read Next

Next Post:10 Principles to Live an Antifragile Life It’s one thing to live and another to live your life in a way that is antifragile. What is Antifragility Author Nassim Taleb says …

Discover What You’re Missing

Get the weekly email full of actionable ideas and insights you can use at work and home.


As seen on:

New York Times logo
Wall Street Journal logo
The Economist logo
Financial Times logo
Farnam Street Logo

© 2025 Farnam Street Media Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Proudly powered by WordPress. Hosted by Pressable. See our Privacy Policy.

  • About
  • Sponsorship
  • Support
  • Speaking

We’re Syrus Partners.
We buy amazing businesses.


Farnam Street participates in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising commissions by linking to Amazon.