The Physics of Relationships: Going Positive and Going First

Isaac Newton’s third law states that, without exception, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

What most people don’t know is that it can be a powerful lens for getting what you want, simplifying relationships, and improving your life.

Let’s take a look.

Action / Reaction

While Newton’s third law was developed with physics in mind, it applies equally well to biology.

When pushed on, we push back. The harder we push others, the harder they push back.

How well we align with this simple principle determines whether our outcomes are good or bad.

If we want to work with the world rather than against it, we need to unlock this powerful behavioral algorithm positively, never negatively.

There are only four types of relationships with anyone (partners, kids, customers, suppliers, etc.)

1. Win/Win
2. Win/Lose
3. Lose/Win
4. Lose/Lose

Only win-win relationships align with Newton’s third law. Every other permutation creates a situation where one party — intentionally or unintentionally — pushes back.

It can take a while to understand that not everyone who pushes back does so in the moment. Sometimes, they hit back in the moment, but more often than not, they become negatively coiled, patiently waiting for an opportunity to spring.

Newton said there would be an equal and opposite reaction; he didn’t say it would happen right away.

Pushing back takes many forms — from a raised voice or a strong boundary to more subtle forms like withholding information or not helping when you could.

The good news is that mirrored recriprocation works the other way too.

If you are kind to someone, they are kind back. If you go out of your way to help someone, they will help you back. If you make someone look good, they will make you look good. It doesn’t always happen in the moment, but it does happen. Instead of negatively coiling someone else, you positively coil them.

There is only one problem. Most people are passive. They wait for others to go first.

“I’ll be nice, if they are nice.”
“I wish someone would recognize my potential and give me an opportunity.”
“I’ll let it go, if they let it go.”
“If they respect me, I’ll respect them.”

To get this powerful force working for you, go positive and go first. If you don’t take action, it can’t start.

Only Win-Win Relationships Compound

Compounding is the most powerful force in the universe, and yet we don’t think to apply it to human relationships.

There are a few key points to understand about compounding:

1. Most of the gains come at the end, not the beginning.
2. You never want to go back to zero.
3. The longer you keep things going, the bigger the gains.

Let’s apply what we’ve learned so far to relationships.

To get the ball rolling in our favor, we must go positive and go first. To take advantage of positive compounding across time, we need to make sure that all parties win.

Doing these things consistently creates an unstoppable force.

One trick to think through what this looks like is to be the counterparty that you wish was on the other side of the table. You wish the other person would go first, so you should go first. You wish the other person cared about your future, so you should care about theirs.

What does all of this look like in practice?

• When COVID first hit, I reached out to many of our subcontractors over the years and offered them work. I moved up projects that we thought we’d do in the future so they could have work now. When they offered massively discounted rates, I voluntarily increased them.
• When having a tough conversation, take the approach you’re going to be in a relationship with this person for the next 20 years. This changes your approach from one of ‘getting what you want’ to ‘we’re in this together and let’s figure it out.’ It’s the same approach you’d want them to take with you.
• When someone at a restaurant I was in needed medical attention, the staff yelled for a Dr. Lucikly one was one in the crowd. They likely saved the person’s life and went back to their double date. I asked the staff to give me their bill. A year later, I ended up in the doctor’s office, and they remembered my kind gesture — after that initial consult, my follow-up appointment went from 3 months to 6 days.

Win the decade, not the moment. Not only are win-lose behaviors not sustainable, but they also trigger a negative action-response in others that ensures time works against you, not for you.

Newton’s third law reveals almost everything you need to know about human relationships and how you can get them to work for you without doing a lot of work.

1. Go positive and go first. People get back what they get.
2. The only type of relationship that survives across time is one that is win-win. Make sure all of your counterparties win.
3. Compounding relationships allow for speed, trust, and knowing the other person has your back.