Tag: Chrysippus

A Lesson in Friendship

Around 10:00 pm one night when I was 16 my cell phone rang with a panicked voice on the other side.  My best friend was barely able to remain calm enough to get words out of his mouth.

After a bit of time, I figured out that he was at his girlfriend’s high school dance. A few things happened and a bunch of the local hooligans were gonna jump him when the dance was over at 11. So I dutifully snuck out of the house, took the car, and drove to meet him to help.

When I look back on this moment I can’t decide if it was a brilliant act of courage and friendship or pure teenage stupidity. The now older me asks what causes someone to drive to a near-certain walloping. The younger me still answers: friendship. If you won’t lay it on the line for your friends, who will you lay it on the line for?

I tend to agree with Henry Miller, who wrote: “Next to love friendship, in my opinion, is the most valuable thing life has to offer.”

What Makes A Good Friend?

While I thought I was a good friend, until recently I’ve never spent much time thinking about what makes for a good friend.

When the chips are down and the odds are nearly impossible, I wanted people to be able to count on me. I might not be at your Super Bowl party, but if you needed help I would drop everything and be there in an instant.

This was the type of friend I wanted to be. That’s the friend I still am. What I missed is that there is more to friendship than being there for someone else.

All through my life my friends have confessed their deepest struggles and conflicts with me. I know about marriage issues, affairs, financial struggles. You name it. I suspect If you polled my friends, I’d be the first person they would call if they killed someone and needed to bury the body.

I am the wartime consigliere. However in times of peace — which is the vast majority of the time spent in friendships — I wasn’t the first person people called.

Vulnerability Goes Both Ways

No matter what was going on in my life – no matter my struggles, errors, or mistakes, I never called my friends for help. I wanted to be self-sufficient. I thought that made me strong.

“The wise man is self-sufficient,” said Lucilius. He wants for nothing. He needs nothing. Chrysippus declared that the wise man is in want of nothing, and yet needs many things. “On the other hand,” he says, “nothing is needed by the fool.”

I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve ever called anyone and said something to the effect of: I really need you right now. I never knew how many of these cards you’d get in a lifetime and I certainly didn’t want to waste one on whatever was troubling me at the moment. This has been one of my biggest shortcomings.

Seneca has some good thoughts on the matter. In epistle III, he writes:

There is a class of men who communicate, to anyone whom they meet, matters, which should be revealed to friends alone, and unload upon the chance listener whatever irks them. Others, again, fear to confide in their closest intimates; and if it were possible, they would not trust even themselves, burying their secrets deep in their hearts. But we should do neither. It is equally faulty to trust everyone and to trust no one. Yet the former fault is, I should say, the more ingenuous, the latter the more safe.

Hiding Struggles is Weakness not Strength

If I had struggles in my life my friends would sometimes never know. I’m not entirely sure if I was hiding these things from them or hiding them from myself. I felt that if I verbalized my struggles, they’d become real.

When I told one of my best friends I was getting divorced, his response caught me off guard. He replied saying something to the effect of ‘as with many things in your life Shane, I had no idea.’

The unspoken message was clear: I would have been here for you, why didn’t you let me be there for you?

In that instant it hit me. I wasn’t the friend I needed to be because friendship is more than being there for your friends, it’s also allowing your friends to be there for you.

For the longest time I thought that avoiding vulnerability was strength. It’s not. It takes a lot more strength to make yourself vulnerable than it does to keep the walls up and stay protected.

Since this blog is about learning the best of what other people have figured out, I wanted to share this very personal lesson with you.

The Ethics of Business

After reading the passage below in The Meaning of Stoicism, I needed to learn more.

“It goes without saying that such a professional ethics is not restricted to craftsmen and artisans and members of a profession. In the Stoic’s opinion, business too has an ethics of its own. To make as much money as one needs is fair but to steal it from another what is his is against the human law, said Chrysippus (one of the main Stoics); and in the famous debate between Antipater and Diogenes the rights of the seller and the buyer are scrutinized: must the seller point out all of the faults of his wares? Is he obliged to live up only to the laws of the country in which he happens to do business or must he always be mindful of the common nature of man and the common natural law that protects all?

The source for that was Cicero’s De Officiis III, and the questions are fascinating because they call into question our role … as an individual and as a member of society. What do the Stoics feel we should do when the useful conflicts with the honorable?

Here are Cicero’s words on the relevant passage.

“As an example of situations of this kind, let us assume that a good man has shipped a large cargo of corn from Alexandria to Rhodes at a time when the Rhodians were suffering shortage and hunger, and grain was extremely expensive. Assume too that he knew that several merchants had put out from Alexandria, and that he saw their ships laden with corn on course making for Rhodes. Should he report this to the Rhodians, or without divulging the fact, sell his own cargo at the highest possible price? I am assuming that he is wise and honest; the question I pose concerns the debate and discussion he has with himself, for he would not conceal the news from the Rhodians if he thought this dishonest, but he would be uncertain whether it was dishonest or not.

In such cases as this Diogenes of Babylonia, the eminent and austere Stoic, takes a different line from that of his pupil Antipater, a most incisive thinker. Antipater believes that all the facts should be divulged, so that the buyer is kept unaware of absolutely nothing which is known to the seller. Diogenes on the other hand believes that the seller is obliged to report any defects in his goods, in so far as the civil law prescribes, and to conduct the transaction otherwise without chicanery, but since he has goods to sell, he should sell them at the best possible price.

“I have shipped them, and I have set out my stall; I charge no more for my goods than anyone else does.” My price may even be lower when stocks are more plentiful. Who is getting a bad deal?”

Antipater mounts the opposing argument. “Are you serious? Your duty is to have the interest of men at heart, and to promote human fellowship. From birth you were bound by the law of nature and you inherit her principles which you are to obey and observe. They prescribe that your interest is the interest of the community, and conversely, the interest of the community is yours. So will you conceal from your fellow men the availability and abundance which they have at hand?”

Diogenes will perhaps respond: “Concealment is one thing, and silence is another. At this moment I do not conceal anything from you by failing to inform you of the nature of the gods or the highest good, knowledge of which would be of greater value to you than wheat at a low price. I am under no obligation to tell you what it is in your interest to hear.”

“On the contrary,” Antipater, will say, “you are under an obligation, for you recall that nature has joined all men in alliance.”

“I do recall that,” Diogenes will reply, “but the alliance you mention is surely not the kind that forbids a man to possess anything of his own If it does so forbid, then nothing should be put up for sale at all; everything should be given away.”

In this whole discussion, you see, no one says, “Though this is dishonorable, I will do it because it is in my interest.” Rather, the one side argues that the action is advantageous without being dishonorable, and the other argues that it should not be performed because it is dishonorable.

The answer, then seems to be that … concealment is not just reticence, for by it you seek to further your own interests by ensuring that your knowledge remains hidden from those who would benefit from it. Is there anyone who does not see the nature of this kind of concealment, and the sort of man who practices it? He is certainly not an open or straightforward person, decent, or just, or honest; on the contrary, he is crafty, devious, sharp, deceitful, malicious, cunning, wily, and artful.

Technology is starting to make this sort of information asymmetry harder. Today, the Rhodians would know there were more ships on the way, how much grain they held, and when they’d arrive. This, argues Daniel Pink, changes how we sell.